


Chaos in Control

by UNICORNZWAG



Series: Definitions [2]
Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Grand Theft Auto Setting, Canon-Typical Violence, Fake AH Crew, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Murder, Poetry, Self-Hatred, Switch in Point of View, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-24
Updated: 2016-04-24
Packaged: 2018-06-04 03:26:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6639499
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UNICORNZWAG/pseuds/UNICORNZWAG
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan tries to find his definition.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Chaos in Control

**Author's Note:**

> Check tags for trigger warnings. This can kind of stand alone. Starts with third person but switches to a first person account from Ryan.

 

Ryan knows what he is. He doesn't like it, but he tries to define it. He tries to define what it is. Here is his definition.

 

* * *

 

 

It’s not some horror flick. 

It’s not just a story on the news.

It’s not a craving for power.

It’s not a sexual desire.

It’s not perfectionism.

It’s not a call for attention (Hell, if it were I’d probably have been caught by now!).

It’s an echoing, malevolent laugh.

It’s an addiction I can’t stave off. 

It’s an itch in my fingers.

It’s a stillness that needs to be broken.

It’s the need for chaos in control.

It’s a piercing scream that decrescendos into silence.

It’s the artistry that could be created upon no other canvas but a body.  


It’s the chase.

It’s the adrenaline running through my veins. 

It’s a silver tongue louring my victims away.  


It’s a knife in their back, neck, head.

It's insanity, the same thing over and over, and finally having learned that this is the only possible result. 

It’s the smell of ammonia and the taste of regret.

It’s that terrible moment when I realize that I should care.

It’s knowing that there is something wrong with my mind.

It’s looking in the mirror and not recognizing who is on the other side.

It’s the harsh slap of waking up and not feeling anything.

It’s the memory of how the first time was an accident, but I couldn’t stop.

It’s seeing my mask on the FBI’s most wanted list.

It’s the fear in my victim’s voice when they realize, too late, what this is.

It’s the surge of satisfaction when my gloves are coated red. 

It’s the stab of remorse when I wonder how someone could love me when they know what I do, who I am.

It’s wondering how anyone can stand to look at me.

It’s knowing how fucked up I am.

It’s the haze in my mind when, like a junkie, I need another hit.

…

_ “It wasn’t as dark and scary as it sounds. I had a lot of fun…killing somebody’s a funny experience.”  _

-Ted Bundy 

While it lasts. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Love the comments. They are my life blood. Also, I quoted serial killer, Ted Bundy so "serial killer quotes" is now in my search history...


End file.
